Anxious Annie.

Last week didn’t start very well. We’d had a lovely weekend in Aberystwyth with my family, but on the way home on Sunday afternoon we got a flat tyre and discovered we had no spare in the compartment where the spare should have been. We were towed home which was fine, but having a flat meant that I needed to get it fixed.

I was due to do freelance work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, so I needed the car! But how do you get a car with a flat tyre to the garage to be fixed? “You call a tow truck, it’s easy. Or you call someone to come out and fix it at home for you.” Kieron said with the wry smile he has on his face pretty much 24-7. I really cannot put into words the horror I feel when I have to complete a car related maintenance task, or any task I’m not used to doing.

I certainly don’t feel happy with the fact that things make me anxious and uncomfortable. Simple things that thousands of people do without a second thought. I don’t want to be that person. The one that overthinks everything. But that’s who I am, and I actually think I do a good job of hiding it alot of the time. I also never thought about labelling myself as an anxious person until very recently. Shy and often quiet, yes, labelled by others as ‘aloof’, or my personal favourite, ‘odd’.

I actually would like to feel like a normal grown-up going about day-to-day life with ease, but on the inside my brain has asked itself ten questions before I even have chance to introduce myself or ask you that question I wanted to ask. So normal stuff like calling a garage to get a tyre fixed becomes a task comparable to your first day of school as a kid. And the worst part is, I know what I am thinking is silly. They don’t care if I don’t know anything about cars or tyres. They probably won’t laugh if I say I’m not sure what size of tyre I need. People are just people, and they’re mostly nice.

The tyre got fixed in the end anyway, a lovely young man came out in his van to fix it. I was even a few quid short of paying him the full amount. And it was fine. It’s always fine, and you would think that your brain would learn. But mine hasn’t yet. Sometimes I even have to tell myself off for feeling so anxous about going to Lidl on my own.

It’s stupid, there are people that have real, life threatening problems, and here I am reading and re-reading emails over and over again before I send them. To people I know.

So you can imagine what a challenge working freelance is for me at the moment. Every time you have a new client, if they want you to work from their office it’s like the first day of school over and over again. And you have to get yourself into the mindset that they are not your boss. Not really anyway. Stay aloof if you need to, just go there and get the work done, because it’s not forever.

This week has seen me being offered full-time hours basically at an agency called Woodlands Marketing, as they are busy over the next 4 months. I actually am working with lovely people, but the team I’m on are based within the office of their biggest client, Ralawise. My team does all the design for their marketing department, but the client is so big and they own so many brands that the work is actually very varied. Nike, Adidas, Brave Soul, and American Apparel are some of the biggest names. It’s really excting to be doing design work for brands like this, but my anxiety is going berserk.

There are so many ‘characters’ in the office, many of them younger and way more confident in themselves than me. I keep saying to myself that I am worthy of being there, and as I get used to the place I will feel more comfortable and confident, but it’s a steep learning curve.

I am also a bit gutted that I’m working full time now, even if it is on a self-employed basis. I feel like I worked so hard the first month after I quit my job to get Lemon & Birch up and running, but I have’t even finished the website yet. I have to see it as a temporary solution to the no money problem. I can earn quite a bit over the next few months and pay off my blasted credit card, and then cut the hours right back when the busy spell blows over. Lemon & Birch will tick over in the background and I’ll have to do what I can in the evenings and at the weekend, but it’s certainly going to be a testing few months. If you can dream it, you can do it though.

Wish me luck.

Love always, Meg x